Ten Stepfamily Realities
- The child's feeling of loss: To the children,
creating a stepfamily means an end to their original
family. Many kids hope their parents will reunite up
until the very last minute. The realization that the
original family is gone forever may bring a very painful
feeling of loss to them.
- Instantaneous love between you and the
stepkids? This is NOT a reality! Real love grows
through time together, where trust and respect is
earned. Not only are the kids not in the honeymoon
phase of your new marriage emotionally, you are
likely representing the change that is causing them
pain.
- Your first love=your biological child: Remember, it
used to be your child was the ONLY important person
in your life. Now he or she may be afraid of losing
everything with this new stepfamily situation--
especially you!
- Disciplining your stepchildren: Family therapists
generally agree that it is not your role alone to
discipline your stepchildren.
- The rules of this house: Before you remarried,
you may have had a certain set of rules and
consequences that differ from what you and the new
spouse agree on.
- Naming yourself: Many people believe
(mistakenly) that requiring the new step parent be
addressed as "Mom" or "Dad" will hasten them in
becoming "family".
- All kids should be treated like family: Whether
it is you parents, or grandparents from both sides,
the
kids all need to be made to feel like they are
welcome family
- Never make your ex sound like the devil: This is
very difficult, however, trashing the kid's other
parent will never make your children happy.
- Create or adopt family rituals; traditions help
define all families.
- Love and remember each other: It is important
as adult parents
to remember and remind each other that you are
going through this together.
Find out more....
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Greetings!
As you have probably noticed after five issues of this
newsletter, I like to have a theme for each. The
theme always seems to center around the number of
that issue being incorporated into the title. Five
golden rings is known for being a refrain in "The
Twelve Days Of Christmas", but in this instance I am
referring to wedding rings.
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Not Five, But Two Rings!
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One out of every two marriages end in divorce. Two
out of every three second marriages end the same
way! The Stepfamily Association of America says
that:
- 75 to 80 percent of divorced people eventually
remarry; 65 percent of these remarriages involve
children.
- More than 1,000 new stepfamilies are formed
each day.
- Nearly 10 million children under age 18 are part of
stepfamilies.
- By 2010, the stepfamily will be more common
than conventional (two biological parents and
children) or single-parent households.
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Five Common Re/divorce Hazards
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Millions of typical U.S. stepfamily couples and their
kids eventually re/divorce or endure ongoing
emotional pain because of:
- Unseen and undiagnosed psychological
wounds.
- Parent/spouse unawareness and ignorance.
- Blocked grief & feelings in adults and/or kids.
- Lack of informed community and media
support.
- Courtship neediness, idealism, & wrong
choices.
Because of these hazards it makes sense for people
in second marriages to seek the right coach,
counselor, or therapist to help out.
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Sandy's Tips on Handling Those 10 Realities
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- Give your child the time and space he needs to
make adjustments that are needed with the decision
to remarry.
- You may "be there" for your stepchildren all of
the time, but don't expect an award or even a "thank
you". Prepare yourself for a long period of proving
yourself time!
- Try your best not to show favoritism. Gift-giving
and allowances among ALL kids should be equal.
- When the disciplining has to happen (as it does!)
with your biological child AND your stepchild, you and
your spouse have to be a united front. The rules
have to be the same for both kids as well as the
punishments. All being age appropriate, of
course.
- Why not get the kids involved in writing the rules
and participating in deciding the consequences? If
they are in the loop on this it will help them stay
accountable. The new household does not change
the fact that you and your spouse have the final
decision!
- Forcing your stepchild to call you "Mom" or "Dad"
will probably make the child feel disloyal to the
biological parent. Take the pressure off and ask
them if they would call you by your first name.
- Just because they are stepkids doesn't mean
they are not still just kids. Same needs, same
wants, different parents of origin.
- You will always be perceived as the better person
if you remain careful about being vindictive or inciting
hostility toward the ex spouses.
- Why not put a few existing rituals together with
new ones to create your new stepfamily traditions?
- This chaotic experience will be a whole lot easier
if you feel each other's support, and your children will
benefit from seeing both their parent and step parent
happy.
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