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The Ten Commandments For Blending Families
  February 2006

 

in this issue

 

Ten Commandments for Smooth Blending

Different Ways To Get Help

Free Coaching Offer


 
 

Ten Commandments for Smooth Blending

 

  1. Make a commitment to adopt and apply principles that experts in the field of psychology and family counseling recommend.
  2. Make a definite plan with your ex that focuses on meeting the needs of your kids instead of concentrating on issues with the new adult relationship.
  3. Even though it may feel really good to hear your child talk badly about your ex, forbid them to do so. Further, make an agreement with your ex that you will never put each other down in front of the kids.
  4. Even if you have a court ordered visitation schedule, it is up to the two of you parents to act without selfishness and the "he said, she said" attitude.
  5. If you never did this before, you need to find a place to agree on behavioral guidelines for bringing these kids up to create consistency no matter which parent they are with. These guidelines are drawn around things like a common bedtime, computer and television access and things like that.
  6. Negotiate and agree on the roles extended family members take and the access they will have to the kids. Extended family like grandparents and cousins are very important to your children and just because you decided to divorce, the relationship between your kids and their extended family shouldn't be interrupted.
  7. Speak truthfully and often with your ex about all of the aspects of your child's development. Both parents should have knowledge and participate in the development and growth of your kids. If you both have all of the same information, you will be able to be more consistent with these kids.
  8. Children like to test situations and shove those boundaries out of their way, especially if they see some way to gain by doing it. Be sure to compare notes with the ex before jumping to conclusions about something your child has told you.
  9. Make sure that the kids are not the ones informing you and your ex about a new girlfriend, or other changes in your new lives. You can tell each other about things like that, then the kids aren't put in the middle of what may be an uncomfortable subject.
  10. When you and your ex make a plan, stick to it. Always say what you mean and don't play head games. Don't spoil your kids by giving them things so they will pick you as their favorite. Allowing more or different privileges than you agreed upon with your ex will end up hurting your child and will only hurt the health of your new family.

 

Find out more....

 

 
  Greetings!

I hope that everyone had some success with a commitment to avoid the mistakes I wrote about in the Nines Are Easy newsletter last month. Along with that commitment we should all strive to develop a parenting and family strategy. I list 10 components that a successful strategy needs to include in my feature article. As long term subscribers to this newsletter know, I have to work the next number (10) into the newsletter theme!


 
 
 
  • Different Ways To Get Help
  •  
     

    In previous newsletters I have mentioned that I have a brand new stepfamily support group set up at the link below. You can join this group for free and gain access to other members who are probably experiencing the same things you are going through. This community has a forum where you can post questions and comments. You can recieve "just in time" answers to problems that pop up or just vent a little! At one time or another we have all been there and done that; maybe you are going through the very same thing that I made it through last year.
    This support group has a question and answer telephone event set up for May 1 of this year. Questions will be answered by Dr. Nicole Weyant who is the founder of the International Stepfamily Foundation. I am a member of her staff, so if you and I can't come up with a way to solve a stepfamily issue, we could put the problem in her qualified hands!

      Read on...
     
  • Free Coaching Offer
  •  

    This month I am offering five families four months of coaching at no cost. Contact me if you are interested in taking advantage of this special offer. The only thing I ask for in payment is a written testimonial if you are happy with my services and you are free to terminate this arrangement at any time. The different elements of the strategy I wrote about in the featured article are difficult to maintain over a long period of time. Sometimes having an "accountability partner" is what it takes to keep that resolve going. As your coach, that is one way that we could work together to make the strategy you and your ex put in place keep on working. This offer is the perfect way for you to take advantage of the teaching a good coach can provide over an extended periodof time. No matter where you live, we can work together over the telephone once a week and use email daily if necessary. Surely we can make some progress by working with each other every day and every week for the next four months. I would love to help the first five families who contact me. There have been many people who have selflessly given help to me and this is my way of paying it forward! At the end of the day, your stepfamily success is mine.

      Read on...
     
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