I am the woman who is a single parent!! So are a large percentage of the world's population. As a coach I often recommend that my clients purchase the book named in my feature article called Stepparenting. Whether you are already in a committed relationship or still trying to decide whether you SHOULD commit, I recommend that you consult a coach who deals with stepfamilies to make sure that you know the unique dynamics which you will face. If you decide to go it alone, PLEASE do some reading and research so you don't step blindly into this very complex and complicated relationship without the specific knowledge and preparation necessary.

Founder of the Stepfamily Foundation writes:
The man who dates a woman who has children faces several major problems. He may be unfamiliar with the care and handling of children. One reason may be that he may have never married, or married and not had any children. In some cases, a man who is a noncustodial parent may rarely see his children. As a result, he is not aware of how children behave on a day-to-day basis nor is he familiar with the range of their emotional reactions to even minor incidents. Because he loves their mother, he may want desperately to be for them the male figure whom he sees that their lives lack.

He will generously provide them with guidance, assistance, and instructions--only to see them turn their backs on him. Their mother may want him to help her with the children because she may feel guilty about her lack of time for mothering. She may let him know, either through words or actions, that she needs him to give them time and love. Yet the children may constantly reject his efforts. For the man who seriously dates and loves a woman with children, a bedeviling "Catch 22" situation evolves.

When the woman has a son with whom she is very close, the situation becomes volatile. The man may find that he will be looked upon as a rival for the mother's affection, an outsider between his lover and the son who has fancied himself to be the mother's protector and companion--"the man of the house." While the man may recognize the special bond that the mother and son share, he will also begin to resent playing what may amount to only a secondary role. From somewhere deep and unknown within him, there will arise anger that will make him lash out at his lover or her son for minor incidents. His lover may lavish mother love and adoration on her son, unwittingly placing her man in the role of second best.

Grownups, as well as children, can and will behave irrationally. Such behavior may come as a surprise to those around them. A man will find it difficult to admit that he is jealous of the attention that the woman he dates gives to her children. To admit that would appear to be immature, and he doesn't want to be seen in that light. Even when he clearly plays second fiddle to the woman's children, a man will often suppress too much. Then, rather than admitting to the problem, he will more than likely just fade out of the picture and say that "things didn't work out," or lash out and disappear.

There is an alternative, but it isn't easy. The man who dates a woman with children must take a hard look at the relationship if it is floundering and identify the trouble spots. He must begin to learn the rules, the behavior and dynamics of the new romantic game of step to help him in identifying the pitfalls. Most of all, he has to communicate his annoyance, his anger, and his fears to the woman he loves. If the relationship is important to them both, they can begin solving the problems.

Changes in custody arrangements have meant that greater numbers of men are gaining custody of their children than ever before. Even for those who don't, a greater move toward joint custody has emerged. In addition, many fathers with visitation privileges tend to involve the women they date in the visitation. The effect that such arrangements have on dating is substantial.

The most important confrontation often occurs during the first date in which the children are included. What starts out to be a pleasant experience often turns out to be a rude awakening, with both the children and their father's lover upset by inadequate attention from the father. The father will generally pay more attention to his children than he will to the women in his life. He does this because of years of conditioning that tell him that his children must come first. Men have also been conditioned to feel that women like to see a man who is attentive to his child.

That is a false expectation in the dating relationship. Both his lover and his child want to come first in his life. Faced with guilt over the broken marriage, or the feeling that he is only a part-time parent, if the arrangement is either joint custody or visitation, the father may feel a need to supply his child with more attention than the child actually needs. He often plays "catch up" or spoils his children while his lover burns.

Even more troublesome in such relationships is the tendency of the less-than-full-time father to enjoy, educate, and indulge his child during the little time that they have together in the presence of his lover. He feels that the little time spent together should not be "wasted" in discipline. So, while his lover may endure in stony silence, the children have their way, behave badly, act ill-mannered and rude and talk back to their father.

Such a situation would justifiably drive many women away, unless both partners in the step dating relationship honestly want to make it work. One of the major problems in this situation is that the etiquette of step dating has not really been established. Remember that women have traditionally been the social arbiters both in the home and in society. Until recently, women had the greater contact with children and decided how children were to behave. They gave love to the child at the designated times and set the limits at others. Women created the emotional environment of the family.

Once left to deal on their own with a child, men are often at a loss as to how to proceed. They have no models for how to be a divorced father. As a result, they may seek assistance outside of themselves with a woman and hope that their new woman will have the same understanding as a mother would. She often doesn't. She frequently isn't a mother--and she certainly isn't his child's mother. More likely, she comes to the situation with a romantic notion of their relationship, wanting him to be her Prince Charming.

This makes for a sticky situation. The single father has to realize that he cannot have the same expectation of the woman he dates as he might of the child's mother. Just because his date is a female and has the right biological equipment doesn't mean that she is going to mother or have the attributes of the mothering/nurturing person. There may be women who can slip into the role without much preparation, but expecting women in general to do so is unrealistic.

Establish a standard of behavior for the child. Rules, decorum, and manners to be maintained in the company of the new person should be clearly spelled out. Further, both the father and his lover have to discuss just how they will handle their dating relationship and where they hope it will lead.