Just as it is clear that a stepfamily does not become a "real" family by calling it something other than step, the word should not be considered negative--it's just the plain truth! It's a description, not a bad name. After my stepson and I had lived together for a couple of years we used the term playfully. When telling a person outside our family a story about Nick, I would refer to him as "the evil stepson" with a wink.

Acknowledging the differences between a biological family and a stepfamily is the first step in facing reality and building a truly happy family.

The Biological Family:

1. Related by blood, created by marriage, often followed by a baby.
2. Discipline evolves and form & norms are consistent.
3. Parents' ways are predictable to the child.
4. Parents back each other up.
5. Parents demand respect for the other parent.
6. Child wants to please both.
7. Child is bonded to both partners.
8. Family members' reactions are predictable.
9. Ugly fairy tales do not exist.
10. Competition is generally healthy.

The Stepfamily:

1. Related by marriage or living together. Formed out of first family break up and created out of the loss of the first family.
2. Little or no time for development of forms and norms and often no organized plan to make them.
3. Different backgrounds, ways of being and seeing the world can cause conflict.
4. "Who comes first--me or your child?" The new partner implores.
5. Partners DO NOT generally agree on discipline and expected behaviors.
6. The biological parent may side with the child over the partner.
7. The child often wants the stepparent to disappear
8. Unexpected reactions that jolt are normal.
9. Expectations turn out to be unreal and ugly fairy tales prevail.
10. Competition for attention can be dangerous to survival.